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Sunday, May 3, 2009

Crazy Bitch Crystal

So it’s about 1 am on a Friday night a few years ago and I’m sitting in my favorite blue chair playing Final Fantasy VII and eating gummy bears (only the red and white ones). My crappy ass apartment is filled with bongs, beer bottles and mass amounts of thick black cords run across the floor everywhere. From the huge 60disk stereo, to the computer, to the TV to all the different video game systems. This might make better sense if I tell you a little bit about Jeff. He’s my roommate. He’s a very... threatening, harsh kind-of guy – but not to me. He’s also one of my best friends, a complete stoner, a chaotic drunk, has a great sense of humor, and is obsessed with all things electronic and shiny. His prized possession is his high-tech universal remote. It can control all previously mentioned consoles. There are posters of half-naked girls all around the living room walls. I don’t mind because Jessica Alba’s beside Jenna Jameson and even my mind wanders if I stare at them too long. There’s also a Resident Evil poster of a guy brutally carving a zombie’s head open with a chainsaw. It’s awesome.


Anyways, back to the story. Its 1am on my very thrilling Friday night, Jeff’s asleep upstairs and there’s a knock at the door. My supremely wasted friend Amber is half-dragged on to my couch by a guy I’ve never met. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, although it’s usually a taxi driver helping her to the door. I get her a water bottle and a blanket then turn my attention to the stranger in my house. He says his name is Jeremy and he doesn’t really know Amber very well, but she was threatening to walk home alone. I offer to smoke a bowl with him in thanks, thinking to myself “well damn, he sounds like a nice guy.” That would be mistake number one on this long road to two black eyes. Number two is when I offer him a beer and take one for myself. We play some blackjack, talk about mutual friends (he was in my older sisters graduating class) drop sexually suggestive hints back and forth and promptly run out of beer. As the fates would have it – Jeremy reveals he only lives about a block away, and (miraculously) has more beer there. The next few hours are a little hazy. I remember a little rat-looking dog attacking my heels on the walk and blackjack somehow turning into strip blackjack after a few more beers.

Then suddenly it’s morning, and I wake up, in Jeremy’s bed… painfully. There is a tall blonde beefy girl I’ve never met before already crouched on top of me, throwing her fists directly into my face as hard as she can. I’m also naked from the waist up. Instinct takes over and I raise my hands to cover my face, elbowing psycho bitch in the nose on the way. She starts to bleed everywhere and I’m still so disorientated that I think it’s my blood all over the place. So I freak out and scream and thrash around. Jeremy and his roommate finally hear me from upstairs and come to the rescue. They manage to pry Blondie’s claws out of my face, but not before she rips out my eyebrow ring. A last huzza just incase I wasn’t fucked up enough. I grab a shirt that’s not mine and haul ass to lock myself in the bathroom as the girl I would later come to know as Crystal started crying/screaming/breaking shit. I stay in there for a good 30mins as one eye goes bright red and swells shut, and the other turns a beautiful shade of purple. Then I decide it’s safe to show my disfigured face, and emerge to an empty room. I immediately gather up all my shit. I’m almost out the door when Jeremy finds me and stammers an explanation. I hear “ex-girlfriend” (as of 2 days ago), “still has a key”… and then stop listening. He tries to say I’m sorry. I shove him out of my way, tell him to go fuck himself and disappear.

EPILOGUE: He tried to call me a few days later. I changed my number. Jeff ran into him at Denny’s late one night, and they had a minor tussle. He never bothered me again. I met Crystal again at a bar a few months later. She didn’t even recognize me.

All that pain, and I didn’t even have sex with the guy. What a fuckin’ bitch.

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