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Thursday, April 16, 2009

Inner Fear Mongering

It’s 4 in the morning, and I wander onto my balcony… wistfully imagining the face of the man in the moon. I see him with dark kind eyes, full of ancient wisdom. A strong masculine chin and a stubborn expression. His lips curl in slight amusement as he stares down at us…laughing inside at our unwavering devotion to our irrelevant existence. I smile at this twisted thought, though I’m not quite sure why. It smells like… city. Nothing sensational or appealing. Just… crowded third word city. I can hear the distant screeches of a catfight and the occasional rooster who doesn’t seem to understand it’s not dawn yet. The wind chimes on my neighbor’s porch are tangled and clank together awkwardly. It’s a warm night but a breezy little chill finds it’s way to me and lingers there. I wrap my own arms around myself and wonder why they couldn’t be someone else’s. How did I get here? Can I really continue to convince myself I’m not lonely? The most exhilarating yet excruciating experiences in my life have been when I bet my bottom dollar. When I risked life and limb or jumped at the chance. When I grabbed the bull by the horns and flew by the seat of my pants. Those were the best times. And the worst times. Generally I enter into the unknown completely carefree and intentionally oblivious to everything I could possibly lose. For the last few weeks my inner fear-mongering self has been voiceless and dormant. I Haven’t been afraid to answer opportunities every knock, and embrace the seemingly irrelevant moments in everyday life. Moments that make me smile. Moments that may be a little piece of the magical puzzle… if I could just look hard enough to find where they fit. I stop to breathe the air, drink the water, taste the fruit and smell the flowers. Then one night at 4am, I wander onto my balcony and that damn man in the moon laughs at me. Fear creeps up into my skin and I can’t shake it away. A cigarette provides a welcome distraction from my trembling insecurities but I can’t stop the few tears that escape and slowly trickle down my cheek. I wipe them away, embarrassed by my weakness. I have a good life. A great life even, with a million and eight reasons to be happy. What happened to the girl who had all the answers? The girl who would never let the fire go out… even for a second. My fires not out, but the wood is crumbling fast. I’ll toss a few more logs on there one day soon, and the flames will shoot off sparks ten feet into the air… but until then, I’ll take whatever small comprehension I can from this writing, and even smaller comfort in the fact that other people probably can’t help but feel the same way sometimes.

Tennessee Williams once wrote; “When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.”

Be lonely with me. For whatever reason… but mostly, so I know that…. at least, the man in the moon has someone else to sneer at too.


achigurh said...

It is the very error of the moon;
She comes more nearer earth than she was wont,
And makes men mad...
William Shakespeare

LupineLooPine said...

I enjoyed this tremendously.. probably more than anything else you've written thus far.

The key to your bliss is in actions aimed at your own growth as a writer, not in society and not in the validation by other people.

On loneliness... *sigh*, alas I have no answers for that either. I'm lonely with you... maybe more deserving of that cheesy sneer than you.

if you happen to be a billionaire...