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Friday, May 8, 2009

Misconcieved Risks

Who knows what true happiness means? Not the conventional word - but the naked terror. The realization. The conscious recognition of contentment. What happens when we finally remove the masks and break the walls?

Is it crazy that I am afraid to let myself be happy? Afraid of taking a chance, trusting too soon and having it all end in tears and illusion.

Paulo Coelho once wrote “"You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Everyday we have the sun, we have one moment and the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Everyday we try to pretend that we haven't perceived that moment, that it doesn't exist – we pretend that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment."

But it’s not that easy. It never is. Everyday life is beautifully twisted and seems to slap me in the face with circumstance, opportunity or ultimate failure. The eyes of strangers stray over my appearance, from head to toe, judgment clouding everything they perceive me to be and… it hurts. Those preconceived notions make me afraid to find my magic moment. Afraid to show the world who I am – and I am so fucking sick of it.

I’m tired of living my life hidden in a dark corner.

Coelho also wrote “"Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she will not suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back (and at some point, everyone always looks back) she will hear her heart saying "What have you done with the miracles planted in your days? What have you done with the talents bestowed upon you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life."

I won’t be that girl. I refuse to be that girl.

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