choose your weapon...

Movies (4) Photos. (47) Poetry (16) Quotations. (76) Words (15) Writings. (137)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

it doesnt make sense


Today was coloured concrete gray. Dark, wet and crumbling apart. A thick fog smothered everything. A faded black hand held me down. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve been hurt and broken down into a thousand different pieces by someone I love. I’m 21. It’s going to happen again… that much I know. I don’t want to hide but most days it seems like the only thing I know how to do. From the hippie firefighter to the punk club owner… each man that has been granted access to a piece of the real me, has in turn grabbed that piece, curb-stomped it, ripped it apart, thrown it to the vultures and then turned to me with a somber expression and said “I’m sorry.” As if that makes everything better. I kept thinking if I dated a guy nothing like the guy before, then maybe he would be right for me. Turns out they're all the same when it comes to me. I'm hard to understand, and I know that. I'm confusing sometimes, and distant and complicated... which means in boy language that I'm a cold-hearted bitch who doesnt give a shit.. which then means that when they cheat on me, it's only because they "thought I didn't care about them anymore." One guy at least called me at 4 in the morning to break up with me before he had sex with another girl. Kudos. A great leap for mankind. I always kept this inner hope that the next one would be different... so when it happened the first time I got over it, the next was a little harder on me, and then the next was physically painful, then the next induced depression, then the next made me silent for three weeks, then the next made me run away to the Philippines. It sounds like I’m exaggerating but in truth, that’s the sugarcoated version. Maybe it would have been easier if I’d had someone to share the pain. Someone who wasn’t my diary. Someone who could talk back and tell me it was all going to be okay. Someone who walked in when the rest of the world walked out. I’m frozen. Like those movie scenes where the crowd swirls around me in fast motion and I’m just… still. Except it’s not a movie. There’s no happy ending coming soon. It’s my life. My sad little life that I really have no right to be questioning. I can’t find the balance between letting myself be unhappy for a while, and feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt for spitting on a life that others would run and cling to.

It’s hard to be happy. But it’s hard to be sad too.
Why is everything so hard?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was really so sad to read dear. The fourth paragraph was a bit depressing. The problem with "them" is the same problem with you and is the same problem with everyone really in different proportions. We all have expectations pertaining to things we are ignorant of. People who see you or are attracted to you, physically or otherwise, are always going to form some idea of what it's going to be like... exactly like what they think life will be like to be somewhere (in some position at some point in time). All foolish expectations. So far, so good.. since this is completely avoidable and in truth isn't the "bad" part. The problem is that finding people who can understand past the point of realizing their expectations are false, and actually adapting to the new situation and making things work is very rare. I always thought , and still do, that if a person TRULY falls in love (with a quality or property in another person) that they will be able to transcend the shortcomings, try to understand things that are difficult.. rather than concluding that you're a "cold-hearted bitch", and be able to come up with compromises. The fact that you haven't found such a person yet does not mean this man doesn't exist. There are many great guys. In fact those you went out with are potentially great, they just haven't experienced the environment to make them evolve into more considerate and understanding beings.. too much ego and selfishness and too little of a desire to try and understand the other person. To paraphrase Gandhi, humanity is an ocean and one should not think that the ocean is dirty because of a few drops. Now.. he was talking about something broader and I could be less lazy and actually search the actual quote.. but the point is that you've experienced four guys. No matter how grueling it was to go through that for a human, the fact remains that those were just four guys in an ocean of great guys. I'll follow it up by paraphrasing Nietsche.. that in fighting monsters one should be careful to not turn into a monster as well. You could become cold and shut people out.. but don't. Don't relent because you met some dicks (at the time.. they could transform from a dick to a nipple.. giving nourishing milk to a bawling baby). I'm tempted to mention how my sister this one time attempted to scramble three eggs, but a cockroach fell into her bowl. She was kind of tired and fed up at the time. So she throws these eggs and whips another three..ends up toasting two slices and returns to find more cockroaches having committed suicide in her eggs. She tries a third time , toasts two more and returns to find two more cockroaches dead in swimming in her eggs and the frying pan leaving noxious fumes on being dumped by undumped eggs for the scheduled "bind" date. Did she give up? Well.. yes, she ate the toast with a disgusted look in her face and I ran to a corner of the house and laughed hysterically till I was in tears after having watched all this. My point is.. even after the fourth batch of screwed up eggs and now in the corner of the world called the Philippines, don't give up for eggs without cockroaches exist. It's only a matter of time before this bad luck runs out.

I won't leave my name. My signature is my volume.

luis said...

Life fucking sucks most of the time but we need to try and find happiness or we're doomed to live a miserable life. trusting people doesn't come easy either but if we don't give someone the chance to prove that they can earn our trust can we ever truly be happy? trying to find ways to get pass all the Bullshit that life throws at us is what keeps us going. will a person abuse our trust again? I would say yes. so why do we keep giving people chances? because we want to believe someone will see us for who we really are, See that "thing" in us that we want to see in them. I'm sure we want people to know that we're tired of the bullshit games, lies, abuse of trust, and lack of respect for our feelings. we want people to look at us and see that we're more then just a good fuck. to see that we're are more then someone to get you to your next sexual partner. the bullshit has to stop someday but its up to us to get to that point. if not we're just wasting away days until we meet our bitter end

luis said...

Heather you have a hard road ahead of you. there will be times that the same shit will happen to you. someone will break your heart in someway or another. you will be lied too and mistreated but knowing that its part of growing up and the craziness that is called LIFE. honestly all we can do is deal with it and learning from it as best we can. the day we give up is the day we die, the day we lose or soul to a miserable existence... I say lets not let life kick us down anymore. its time for us to shine, its time for us to be happy

achigurh said...

i can set you up with my cousin, Hank. course, that might make us related( i never was good at fig'urn those things out). now he ain't worked professional like for more than a day or two for years...hard to pass them checkups from the law that they do on these here computers. but he's real independent and will always be there for you...just like he's there for his momma(he's been living with his momma all his life). last year though i was real proud of him. he done moved out all on his own, yessir...to an old camper shell in the backyard. he stays there most of the day but god bless his heart he still visits his momma 3 times a day for breakfast, lunch and dinner. his dream is to buy hisself a motorsickle..never had a bank account though. i told him you would buy him one.

Anonymous said...

one of them still and always will love you. even you think hes not there anymore...your never alone. i feel your pain.

-Alaska

Ross said...

Hether I wish I could be independant like you I'm to scared I'll get my ass kicked in school if I post a you tube vid June 17 was my b day Ross hendrickson ny look it up if you don't belive me and on this day a hero has fallin a hero to the people like me who is 14 and needs ur words in my life for me to get up in the morning so pppppppppllllllllllllleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeeee come back do it to show the dude that was an ass that he didn't defeat the amazing creative and gorgous Heather

if you happen to be a billionaire...