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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

backwards validation

I’ve just finished reading Em’s Messiah post for the third time. The first two times I couldn’t find any common ground at all because I refused to admit that I needed validation of any kind from my relationships. Something made me keep coming back to read it again and this time around… I felt as though the words had been written for me. They were the exact same words I had read twice before but meant something entirely different. I need validation as much as the next person; it’s just not the same needy type that Em endures. I need reassurance that I can be free. That whoever I’m with will still be there for me, even if I am not around for a while. I need reassurance that if the romance ends, it doesn’t mean the person is out of my life entirely. There was this guy, and we’ll call him… Shawn, who is a perfect example of how I tend to ruin most potential relationships before they begin. From the first day we met he made it clear that he wanted something more then friendship and I resisted week after week, until finally we openly discussed it one day. I told him it just wasn’t the right time and I didn’t think it was a good idea. All the standard lines that offer a glimmer of hope. He seemed to accept it... until one night, we were at the same party and I spent most of the time chatting with one of his friends. One of his male friends. We were in full view of everyone else the whole time but we got really into the discussion and sort of ignored the people around us. Our talk seemed to really piss Shawn off and made him excessively hostile. Naturally (and immediately) I turned on my poisonous combination of aggressive defense. He had no right to be upset. I had done nothing but talk and had already made it perfectly clear that we weren’t going to be together. Even if what I was doing was not so undeniably innocent, we weren’t a couple, and he knew that. He wasn’t allowed to dictate what I chose to do with my time. Of course... he wasn’t trying to do that at all, he was just upset to see the time he had thought was spent with the girl he liked had been taken away. And so he used anger to cover what was probably disappointment.

Here’s the kicker though. I liked Shawn. Sometimes I wanted something more, but most times, I convinced myself that if it didn’t work out, then we’d both be left with nothing. I didn’t want to lose him as part of my life, but even more… I didn’t want to be the girl that he just wanted to kiss, I wanted to be the girl he wanted to get to know… even if it meant there was never going to be any kissing. I wanted him to see me for me, not as a potential girlfriend, but as someone he cared about even if he never got to take me on dates, or hold my hand, or bring me to meet his parents. After the party, I felt guilty, and I HATE feeling guilty, so I gave him an ultimatum. Maybe it wasn’t even an ultimatum; maybe it was a demand. Either way it was unfair... but I sincerely thought it would end a lot different then it did. I told him if we were going to spend any time together at all, he couldn’t let little things like that get to him, he couldn’t lash out and he couldn’t blame me. It was all or nothing. Take it or leave it. Deal or no deal. So… he chose to never come around at all, and that was the end. I never saw him again after that day and he’s moved away now. I was naïve to think he wouldn’t walk away. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be around someone you really like, trying to act nonchalant, when all you feel is rejected. I was already too far gone on my one track highway to loneliness and saw it as the last breaking point. We had never even been together and already he chose a life without me, opposed to a life with me as just a friend. It’s a twisted logic I know, but I’m going to fall back on the easy ol’ excuse of... that’s just who I am. I don’t fall for guys easily (or at least, I never used to) because I get scared. So scared that instead of falling back to the normal girl response and throwing myself at the man I like, trying to spend every waking minute with him, needing constant attention and phone calls and text messages, I do the exact opposite. I run away to make sure I can handle my life on my own, without him. And I suppose, testing that he can handle a life of his own as well. I need validation. I need reassurance; I just need it in the opposite way of most girls… most of the time. When I really think about it… now might be a good time to get over this extreme need for freedom and just… go with the flow. Take everyday as it comes and be willing to put myself out there without seven or eight thick cement reinforced barriers around my heart.

Walls don’t just keep the bad out, they keep the good out too.


noel said...

Hiya...i dont have the walls up,but tend to go with the flow.I have never maintained a friendship with an ex,bar one girl,lucia,an italian living here in ireland.Am single for the last few years but think if have have a relationship again and it went south,that i would probably maintain the friendship,but sometimes that gets messy.Am happy being single i suppose...a girl once said to me...'i like my own company'...couldnt have agreed with her more even though im an extrovert.
On a different note,im in a reflective mood,watching soul asylums 'runaway train' on youtube,my heart fills up like a balloon listening and watching it

krumbine said...

This comment might be unfair, but it's what your post got me thinking about. When I invented my "Beanyism" religion (for the obvious reasons) I wrote out four founding principles. The fourth principle was inspired by a terrible break-up that I was going through. Long story short, despite how bad the break-up was, I was still grateful for the experience--both of the woman I had been with and the heart-wrenching pain of losing her.


1) Religion is ridiculous. It's about time that we have a ridiculous religion.

2) Religions like Christianity tell you how and what to think by threatening you with the promise of heaven and hell--thereby depriving free thought. Beanyism promotes thinking for yourself, challenging the status quo, and the never-ending pursuit of the contrary. Even at the expense of rationality, Beanyism insists that there is no spoon.

3) Humankind's greatest, innate ability is that of creationism. We possess inside ourselves the talent to form an idea and then to take that idea and manifest it into reality--music, lyric, image, sound, story, gadget.

4) The most abstract of Beanyism's founding principles is that of Serendipity. Human beings have an enormous capacity for connecting with others on many different levels--we merely have to open ourselves up to the possibility and the potential.

LupineLooPine said...

Part 1:

While I do keep people at a distance for reasons I have gone through in one of my group posts, I can't figure out the sense behind the reasons you do it (Ohhhh shit! I'ma gonna git a gherkin up my ass now! No Piss me, I mean Miss P,.... Nooooooooooo!).
Ok, in brief, my reasons are that I think all relationships fail, even the one's that succeed. People go their own way under "natural" circumstances, they have their own life trajectories as they grow and evolve. To make a relationship work requires compromise, and to be perfectly honest, that is becoming a thing that seems more and more impossible for me to do with each passing day. I can't see myself settling down and accepting the present without it translating into something bigger in the future. Other than this point, there's the fact that people naturally tend to leave, and investing emotions into people with whom the future is unlikely to be spent with in any meaningful way .. if at all, just seems like a very foolish thing to do. I can enjoy the company of people without expecting them to stick around, or without thinking that there's some special bond between us.. or rather between me and them. So that's about as deep as "social me" gets, in a nutshell. My perspective on what's important to follow in life too contributes a lot, but I'll leave it out of this discussion.

What you do however, didn't make any sense to me. It appears you want to either meet a) a true individual, one who is secure about himself relative to any environment, and thus can just relax and let people be... including you (whom he will have a sufficient amount of trust for.. either naturally or because you asked him to), OR you want b) a companion, the kind of which you have after forming a relationship and having established some trust with. Now, you cant convert a person into the type a person by putting these constraints. You just can't. You either find someone who is secure, has his own thing and trusts you enough to let you do and be as you please, even if that involves being on a giant bed with a complete NFL football team of your choice, all of you being completely nude of course.... or you don't.

MissPacman:I was just nude with some sticky men on a bed honey... I didn't do nuffin'! They got stickier after seeing me and smelt of old priests... but I didn't do nuffin'! I was just taking a nap dammit.
*cute look with a head tilt while sporting pigtails*
MrPacman: I totally understand hun. I was just waving at the wind and suddenly this hot girl's ass was in my hand's way. The sensation on my hand made me wave more furiously, but I assure you it had nothing to do with that nude girl's ass. Oh, did I mention she took her clothes off... ergo being nude during my unintended butt slapping.
MissPacman: Hahaha. I love you honey. I wish other people were as understanding and trusting as us. We really DO love each other.
MrPacman: Oh yes! Now, may I join you in a nap on the bed filled with the nude footballers who seldom use their feet in dealing with the ball?
MissPacman: Oh let's!

Heaven... I know.

LupineLooPine said...

Part 2:

Yeah, so you either meet someone like that or you don't. I wish it was easier, in which case I'd love it too, but the sad truth is that people are needy, clingy and are starved for validation and approval.
Person b will have his flaws, but these are worked on in time. He grows with the relationship and learns to trust you in time. A bond is formed where you become more than just the person he wanted to hump or kiss or whatever it is that drew him to you. In fact,this is basic biology... our brains are literally hardwired for it (most of us .. not all ;) ). Hardwired for settling down I mean. While not quite the seven year itch, it does take more or less that much time for the relationship to reach that stage. This info was covered up in some Desmond Morris docs on love and bonding, and some more info can be found here :

It's not the same info I'm familiar with that dealt with neural accumbens (don't know about the spelling.. lemme google) . Right, searched it, and I think that's where you get the surge of dopamine in the early stages of romance. The bonding and trust stage, the oxytocin stage.. is way later. Your brain literally changes (should one allow it to, which the dude most likely will if he's with you).

It's like you want the apples before planting the seeds (No, I refuse to say getting the cart before the horse, and other similar, regular crap). You can't expect the dopamine riddled sex mouse, who will get the kick with sex, kisses and attention mind you, to appreciate you on some other level. This is again something that I just can't see happening. I totally understand what you want Pacy, and it's perfectly fair to desire it, but it's the method that makes absolutely no sense to me. I mean, it's completely unpragmatical . Of course, you could be lucky and find that perfect individual, secure about himself and treading his own path who has no issues with you flying like a bird and all that other jazz... but don't count on it. (I too hope to find that wonderfully wise, smart neuroscientist or physicist, or that well informed artist with boundless curiosity who will complete me and all the silly stuff.... but I know it's a load of crap and EXTREMELY unlikely, more so for me who is fits in with the people in his country like a Night Vision Phantom does in shrunken baby diapers)

if you happen to be a billionaire...