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Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Ice Cream and the Vegetables

I get moments in my life where I'm forced to make a choice between doing what I want, and doing what I know will please others. Sometimes, the "others" can provide a better outlook on my own life. They stand back, away from all emotions and rash actions, to see what might be best for me.

But no one knows my life better then me right? Sure I might be too involved in a situation to see perfectly clear - but emotions are what makes me human. If I ignore them, ignore that little voice (even if it is a devil on my shoulder) then I lose what makes me - and all of us, unique.... my humanity. I'm not afraid to make mistakes, only afraid of what those mistakes will mean to those closest to me.

When did my life become so complex?

As a child the answers and choices seem so easy

Ice-cream or vegetables?
Crayons or markers?
Television or homework?

And of course, sometimes I would choose ice-cream (okay - so ALL time) but I had my mom, or sister or friend there to reason with me. Because I can't have ice-cream all the time if I dont eat my vegetables right?

Wrong.

Sure I can - now.

No-ones stopping me, no ones whispering the consequences in my ear because now... im an adult. The choices and answers are for me to find out on my own. Scary thought. The strings are cut, and sometimes I feel completely unsupported... like Ive been falling ever since and no one is around to catch me.

So I continue falling... with the elusive hope that at least I might land on something soft. I've made a lot of wrong choices in my life... but I am who I am today because of my mistakes as much as my triumphs. I cling to the realization that even though I started out not knowing where I was going, I think I ended up where I needed to be.

I dont need everyone to like me, I just need a few to understand me.

In the end, its not really about the ice cream or the vegetables.. but the process I go through in making that decision. It's impossible to ALWAYS know what the answer is but all I can do is try and keep trying until one day - I stop falling and start climbing.

Maybe I stumble a few times along the way but those "others" are there to lend a hand when I really need it. To pry me away from the ice-cream (even tho I love it so much) and back towards being an independent adult. Its a long scary road with too many twists and turns but I'll get there... even if I have to go backwards sometimes...

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