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Sunday, October 25, 2009

is ignorance bliss?

When I was a child I thought casually. I considered ideas and perceptions and all matters of my swirling mind to simply be… white noise. The background music to the movie of my life. I lived in the moment as it was happening, enthralled by my environment alone and dancing to a tune no one could hear. I could run and jump and play and swim and fall and laugh and cry, somehow immersed in it all without succumbing to empathetic fixation on the hardships I couldn’t change, or didn’t understand. I sought adventure and joy within my actions, not my thoughts. I believed going for a walk could change the world. But it can’t. As I grew up, I understood that my world, was not the only one. I tore myself from the little farmville fantasy, left the rural cabin, pigs, chickens, greenhouses and bonfires behind… to be slapped in the face with the real world. Where everything was rushed and sincerity faded into little corners that become harder to find everyday. Lines were thick and crossing them meant social exile. A deathly consequence by the scale of others. A book I loved enough to read three times describes all the negativity, all the devils on shoulders, the doubts setting simple thoughts into complicated darkness, and the author gives it a name that slithers fear into me. He called it The Other. The one provoking you to hesitate, to lash out, to judge without mercy or compassion, to hate, to distrust, and to harm others. The Other in my life, wasn’t powerful until the others around me decided to force social, habitual, irrelevant customs into my personality. Within in a few months I realized I had to give up and give in, or be forced into the previous world I loved. The world no longer considered good enough. The others fed my Other until it couldn’t eat anymore, and took over. I learned the names of all the Spice Girls, I bragged about boys that liked me, I abused other little girls who were considered “uncool” despite the inner nudge that reminded me what it felt like when that was me being ridiculed. I lied with no purpose but self gain. I decided I was too good for the company of losers. I desired trivial objects and toys so much that it consumed me completely within days. I tossed aside those same toys just as quickly, and desired new ones. I considered the activities I had once coveted, to be secrets. I hid most of who I really was, convincing myself that it was better to be who they wanted me to be. Some days I wish more then anything, that there wasn’t so much fluff in life. That we all weren’t forced into this fishbowl. Everyone looking in with importance, and us looking out with insignificance. Go away others, and take my Other with you. It's not welcome here anymore.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

This made me cry...

Badilunaah said...

chai

LupineLooPine said...

Society is a bitch. I think it's very important to be honest for the right things, and more importantly - at the right time. The fact remains that as much as you'd like to blame society, there was a reason why you did those things that was really caused by you... a need within you. The source of that need is difficult to remove... I presently think it is impossible to remove. We're human - certain stupid needs exist that the mind knows to be full of shit. So if I'm unfortunately right, we're stuck with this shit... maybe even the more sinister The Other, though he sounds to be more of an extreme case of what I'm talking about. Going overboard in trying to subdue what's within you might make you unstable... unless you're Gandhi. I speak from experience, as you partially know. The key is some sort of balancing act I suspect... something like a 1:20 thing. For every 20 "honest" approaches, permit yourself one dishonest indulgence.

Don't beat yourself too much about your teenage years. They're fucked up for everyone I should think. We're just different at that time. Personally, understanding this is fine and easy... it's explaining it to others that becomes tricky, sometimes. It's true that you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, unless you care about them.

And if you do care about them, and you do explain.. and they still don't understand, then what? Hell if I know. Since I didn't have the answer to that ... ever , I chose to run away. Meh, I don't know the answer to the last case. I don't have a clue. But I'm drowning the cynic, just a bit :\

*fingers crossed*

LupineLooPine said...

Oh yeah, and this was beautifully written. I too have rediscovered the magic and power of writing what you feel. In my spare time, writing about my feelings has helped me resolve a lot of things. I'm back to writing shit in notepad files about thoughts and ideas, that result in crystallized philosophies and approaches. I'm 18 again :) .

Funny how a few months ago I mentioned to someone (you?) how I considered those activities a waste of time. It is ... technically speaking. But it's a wonderfully rewarding waste of time.

Zompac said...

Wow. I like reading your blogs, especially the long ones. They kinda make me feel for you in a way. I dont know though, I just got really stoned and this story was trippy kind of.

if you happen to be a billionaire...