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Friday, December 11, 2009

wonderland.

If only you could see me now. I wonder what you’d say, I wonder how you’d look at me… and I wonder if your mind would change. If you could see the tear stained sheets, and brimming balcony ashtray. Proof that I tried to smoke away the feeling that no one really cares. Pretended it didn’t matter. Convinced myself into apathetic delusions… because, of course, it does matter. It matters tonight, that I’m here... sitting at home. My good clothes tossed on the floor and replaced with boxers and a t-shirt. Here I am… writing to strangers who couldn’t make this go away even if they tried. Strangers that somehow feel closer then anyone I see everyday. I’d love to blame the not-friends that circle in and around my life, but it’s not the first time I’ve been left behind… it’s just the first time I let it matter so much. I wonder what’s changed. I wonder what I can do to make it easier. I wonder why I’m suddenly so afraid of the solitary confinement I once cherished. I wonder if it will all seem better tomorrow.

4 comments:

jon3 said...

I think (and hope) it will seem better tomorrow. Private people are as you describe. We want to share with someone but we don't want to fully let our guard down by expressing it or fully opening up to someone we truly know. Maybe we are afraid that they will eventually breach our trust and let us down, or we will let them down? You will find someone (in real-life) that you will share most of who you really are, but don't be surprise if you keep just a tiny bit to yourself. :-)

Michael said...

I wish I knew what to really say here. Just remember that the friends you have here really do care about you (I know I do), even though we don't even know you. Surely there must be real-life people who would love you if they got to know the same Heather you've shown us.

It will be better tomorrow. One of these tomorrows, even if it's not the first few. The pain always fades after a time.

LupineLooPine said...

:(

You know, I really do fancy my chances in making you feel better. I'll find a "l00phole" in any perspective, such that I'll pull, with all my truthy might, the silver lining in any philosophically produced black cloud.
Oh, and if the concern is someone NOT understanding, then that problem ain't there with me either as you probably know.

Meh, I hope you resolve it miss. My shit should be over tomorrow... there will be free time and merriment all around till the next year. I'll catch you if I can the day after tomorrow (the 15th, since 14th as mentioned, shall be the day of absolute abandonment, that necessarily involves chatting away with some "realies" till the wee hours of the night/morning.. celebrating the utter crapiness of our lives).

(•ิ_•ิ)? said...

Through my senses I create my own reality (an illusion) of the World.

I send this illusion to all the people I contact... but the true reality to only one person.

...do I really want to know the truth...??? or just the illusion...

I find the truth, by myself.(will I like.I do not know)

But just I want to know the truth, to all the illusion...

to what extent are you good at lying ... (The illusion)
...but you already can not do that...

the ilusion to the truth...
...maybe you can get my vision, but not my mind and heart...

if you happen to be a billionaire...