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Thursday, January 14, 2010

god and dinosaurs.

I am a devoted anti-alarmist. So much in fact, that I can say with absolute certainty, the dinosaurs were not turned into bone piles by some mass extinction catastrophe. Oh no no no. I have the real answer. The real reason why dinosaurs no longer exist today. Pure truth here ladies and gentleman. You see… when God was just a baby, He thought “Hey! This Earth place looks pretty damn cool. Let’s make something to live there.” At first, the little micro biotical sea creatures were all He needed to amuse himself, then as He aged, and started to branch out.. bigger sea creatures, and amphibians were made. By the time He himself could walk, God looked down again and thought “Yeah… that land stuff needs more of these things, and let’s give ‘em legs!” So the very first mammals were made. Step three happened sometime after God entered into the threatening world of toddlers, and thought “Let’s make HUGE monsters that are green and slimy and EAT EACH OTHER!” Along come massive body weight, but pea-size shit-for-brains dinosaurs… using up way too much oxygen and living purely on survival instincts in a world still being tossed between kill-zone ice ages and intense volcanism. But even those got boring. So puberty slams Him in the balls… and God just wants to destroy things. He thinks Himself a rebel and slowly kills off all the huge eyesores. Gets stoned and forgets about the sharks, whales and alligators. Finally, God becomes an adult, and makes the very responsible and grown up decision, to create the next things in His image. Boom. Humanity. He gives us the ability to think, and we become self-aware, consequently fucking up His whole plan for complete domination and planet rule. Now I’m thinking He’s getting bored again. Either that or He’s just senile and can’t control his friend Mother Nature anymore. So She’s throwin earthquakes and tidal waves around all over the place, trying to jump into the power position as God fades away into a little corner and starts muttering senseless old-people stories to no one in particular.


Ben. said...

I like how you included giving us the ability to think and we become self aware. And I'm thinking we have become so self aware, that we have forgotten about the earth and world we live in. So before blowing up the whole world, we will disappear up our own assholes.
Thats just my sinical point of view, I have other ones that run on a more harmonious tune.

But seriously I like this entry Heather Maria.

if you happen to be a billionaire...