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Thursday, March 11, 2010

RAID the cockroach ninja.

Cockroaches are nasty little things, and around these tropical cities, not so little. Try as I might, (or might not) my room is never truly spotless, so they come around at night, click-click-clicking their creepy crawly legs across the dark wood floor. I can’t sleep very well when my eardrums are overflowing with the scurrying of something very alive and very disgusting. Something that also happens to be very near. So today, I fumigated that shit. It was a truly spirited adventure that started without a professional gas mask or expensive chemicals… but with RAID cockroach killer. I moved all my essentials to the empty room next door and set up headquarters. I crushed up corn chips as bait and laid them out in the dark abysmal corners of my now infested living space. Then… I waited. I waited so hard, and so impressively. When darkness came I tugged on jeans, runners and a hoodie, crept through the door… and clutched my RAID can out in front of me. I was a cockroach killing ninja. Armed with deep courage and seething vengeance… I fogged those buggers like it was my one true mission in life. With art, style, grace, and minimal girl shrieks, I stomped and sprayed and stomped and sprayed my way to glory. Just when I was beginning to think it was all over, my ninja sense tingled… and there, zig zagging his way out from the crack in the floor.. was a hulking beast of a creature. This was to be my finest moment. The war to end all wars. That is… until I realized the cockroach left in front of me was, quite literally, insane. Now, I’m not sure what’s actually in those Raid bottles… but someone somewhere at their research facilities has a twisted sense of humor. That ugly bug suddenly seemed a whole lot smaller as he ran back and forth on the same line, paused, jumped around, and continued his endless desperate journey to nowhere. There was no rhythm to his clicking, no intelligence in the flailing direction of his antennas. This was one very crazy, and very poisoned cockroach. I, of course, being the evil soul that I am… giggled at the helpless soul struggling below me, raised my shoe up high… and ended it all with one fatal crunch. Us ninjas have a job to do, and we will achieve it without mercy or compassion.

4 comments:

Michael said...

Oooooh! You're scary!

Michael said...

It wasn't the RAID that him stagger about. You said you removed all your essentials from the room...

La cucaracha, la cucaracha
ya no pueda caminar
porque no tiene, porque le falta
Marijuana pa'fumar

These are the actual lyrics from the classic Revolution-era version of the song (although there are earlier versions). Really.
(It's so cool that people here in the US consider it an appropriate song for little kids.)
Now we know why the cockroaches are so attracted to your home.

jon3 said...

Loved your storytelling. Very vivid. Nice to see and FEEL the thrill you experienced in your mad roach-killing frenzy. However (and here's where I take on my bubble-popping role), do you really think you annihilated them all with this brilliant offensive attack, or do you think that maybe you just took out the first brigade of savangers-roaches? I think you should "bomb" those buggers to make sure you wipe out the mother-colony.

Anonymous said...

Cockroaches. People. Samo-samo. "Dreams within dreams", remember?

if you happen to be a billionaire...