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Friday, April 9, 2010

the drunken ramble poet.

Well, I wrote the following ..."almost poem" last night in bed... and with no wireless yet, had to promise myself I would post it today.

I’d forgotten how great it feels to be measured on a level deeper than just appearance. Maybe not much deeper, but still a change. After a reawakening prompted by double vodka cranberry’s and a “highly” involved psycho self-analysis… I can feel my life slipping into a once-known territory that now seems entirely unfamiliar. I am hesitant about how to act… and grasping desperately at the hope that I won’t have to act at all. Anymore. The hope that my nature will rise to the surface, and this new world will see more than the last. More than my skin colour, chewed nails and nervous fidgeting. I know how to wear the masks, and play the part to perfection… but I don’t want to anymore. Always so cool, so aloof and rambunctious.. yet my eyes are blurred. They remain fixed on the horizon. You can think you know all there is to know about me after 5 minutes alone, but everything you know is wrong. If I could look away for just a moment, and let the mask slip….

There are a hundred thoughts I chase away every night. A thousand doubts, and a million memories. All of my tomorrows start here. Amidst the patience that doesn’t wait, but ends... and the pain that doesn’t hurt, but heals. It doesn’t matter how dark the sky is… because the stars are always there… even when you can’t see them. I wish I could tell you all my secrets… but my eyes are losing the battle against gravity, and the sandman is steadily trudging along in the distance. It is 1:24 am, and I am snuggling under this poufy marshmallow duvet, and drifting into the sleepy kingdom of the unconscious. G’night world. I kinda love you… even when I hate you.

7 comments:

Michael said...

I wish my mask could slip away, but I fear it's welded on. My fault, of course. I never should've welded it, but it seemed so necessary at the time.

baby smith said...

i've always wondered how it must feel to be completely 'lost' in my own skin while still being 'present' in the world.

i think we all fight with our existing 'selves' and struggle over which personality will win out. i think the right combination of places, soul mates and your own inner peace will help to coax out the 'real' you. or at least your most genuine self.

wishing you all the best in this new chapter in your life, sweetie...

Anonymous said...

Your post evokes the feeling in T.S. Elliot's Prufrock -- especially the mask metaphor ("prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet") . Both your post and Prufrock are awash with a strong yearning to transcend trivial mundane constraints. Both have the flavor of bittersweet self-reflection.

Why don't you consider doing a video on masks? Masks ("persona" is Greek for "mask") are an archetypical element in the human psyche. The ideas of donning masks to become something greater or different, or stripping away masks to reveal one's true nature or vulnerability, are common elements in literature, ritual, religion, not to mention opera buffa and weekly sales meetings. Masks are powerful tools. They are often used in transformative behavior. Masks abound in all cultures (Islam is an exception, perhaps), such as Zorro and comic book superheroes, Shakespearean and tons of other European royal court comedies, "Phantom of the Opera", gamelan plays, Kabuki and Chinese classical opera, totems used by indigenous peoples all over the world, etc., etc., etc. I feel a pleasurable frission as I remember the poor soul who made the horrible, horrible mistake of reaching deeply into the maw of a Cult of Kali mask in a dark evening courtyard, in the novel "Death Trance", or that poor guy in "Alien" who stared a little too closely at monster eggs.

The Moonlight Sonata video sandwich might be a good format, with a photo/video collage inserted between incongruous music bookends that contrast with the images. Perhaps you could add a voice track, sotto voce, with a hoarse disturbing whisper as sung by Serj Tankian in System of a Down's "Chop Suey", for example. The bookends of the video would be you acting out the multiple (and colorful) personality masks you describe in your post.

I can't help myself. No doubt I'm entering anal-compulsive territory, but intermittent lines from Prufrock keep popping unbidden into mind. I'm going to have to go back and re-read Prufrock, to see if the parallels I sense in your post are real or imagined.

Michael: if you can't unweld, perhaps you could immerse in a different environment where the current mask is irrelevant.

Michael said...

Anonymous guy-- There are masks in Islamic societies, or at least veils, which are like masks, though I suppose the reason behind them is too different from what you're discussing. But the women do wear masks in Oman, black cloth masks that circle the eyes and cover the nose.

I should've wished you the best, too, Heather. I guess it just didn't occur to me until BabySmith (whom I adore even more now) said it. Sorry about that. If it weren't for my mask, you could see my face is red.

chaser said...

witnessing a birthing...

Badilunaah said...

Tails.

jon3 said...

your recent comments seem to have gone AWOL

if you happen to be a billionaire...