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Friday, March 25, 2011

youtube truth.

Maybe it's all fading into some fucked up web version of everything that’s wrong in the world.

Maybe sincerity on youtube has turned out to be too much to ask for… and maybe fame is worse than never being heard in the first place. All the drones seem to want now is distraction. (No, I guess they euphemize nicely and call it ‘entertainment’ now). Guns, tits and a car chase with a bunch of fuckin’ bad guys.

I’m not even sure I can be sincere there. I always had to be out proving something. Just a scared little girl, who, despite everything, was always left fighting a twisted need to be heard… and twisted only because of the part I chose to play to try and get people to listen. Honestly… I don’t know what went wrong, but at some point along the way, I lost sense of what I wanted from my youtube experience… and tried way too hard to satisfy everything it wanted from me.

Now comes the realization that 99.9 percent of the people that interact with any video I have ever done, or will ever do… wont ever give a fuck about who I am, what I stand for, what I want, do, think, or even what the fuck I’m actually talking about. Even being self confined to the “viewer-role” … it still feels exactly like I’m walking in circles through dogshit all day. At the end of a long and brutal night, I finally get home, and start scraping that same shit from the side of my boots, picking through all the bits and pieces to see if anything matters. And … maybe none of it does. Maybe I’ve found all the gold, and the rest… well, its all just fucking dog shit. Maybe… I can stop looking. Maybe we all can.

That seems like a lot of fucking maybes (7 on my final count) and a virtually pointless message… but hey, I’m a hypocrite, just like everyone else. Transcribing my incoherent late night mumbling to the few stragglers who have actually made it this far. At least… I’m here, against my better judgment, waiting around for a little bit more of that point one percent.

And yes, I will willingly trudge through dogshit every fucking day if I have to.

As a sidenote: If an explanation for my absence is somehow needed at some point, then I say… misspacman08 died, and left me her life. I’m trying to… find all the pieces, but I think most are probably gone for good… so this is a fucking reconstruction, or at least, the beginning of one.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Heather, if that's even your real name, please just be yourself. I can tell you probably didn't plan much of what you wrote here, good, don't plan your writing. What I read here finally feels like a human wrote it, not some planned out script. I know you probably wont care what I write, and to be honest, I don't really know what the hell i'm saying. All I can see though, is that you need someones shoulder to cry on. I just want you to know some one out here in this fucked up planet, some one cares. Yes, I love you, its sisterly love, even though we're not, and I've never met you. Don't feel so alone, you're okay. We're all trying to find out who we are. Take care please. I send you a warm hug. -Random Girl.

jon said...

I like your open honesty. Always have.

chaser said...

Content to stand witness...

BTW, your point about YT is dead on in my opinion...

Be well...

Tripp Hudgins said...

Hey. Glad to find the new page.

achigurh said...

there's still gold in them there hills and here's hoping ya strike it rich !
p.s. i had to look up euphemize

idiot666134 said...

Why not tell the truth from the start. Those who believe what you have to say will listen. The haters should stop hating start listeng or leave you alone. I am not a hater. I believe what you have to say. I am one of the people that would like to know the real Heather Maria. Not just some name on some website. email me sometime idiot666134@yahoo.com (its that becouse another one i wanted i guess was taken i am not an idiot).

Victor said...

So I read this as soon as you posted it... and in all honesty I was bored. I thought... "I did this in college". But I didn't write anything. Thought I would sit on it... and wait... maybe read it when I wasn't so busy or in a hurry or at work. So here I am ... days later.... not bored. I mean I never cared that you were hot. Had tits. My first interaction was just... smart girl. Gutsy. Kind of small but tough looking. And then later... I saw that you were... more. The thing about EVERYTHING is the same. It's all pretty inconsequential. Yeah, it's pointless. We're all going to die. There is no God. People are hypocrites. But suicide is almost laughably pointless by default. Know what I mean? If we and it all mean nothing. So does killing yourself. Not that that is your point. I don't believe you want that. Got off on a tangent. Anyway... point is... you need to find something, some motivation to push on. Be its lover, a friend, a family member, a mother, a child...hell, I even told my buddy the other day (he just got divorced)... now you can focus on making money. LOL. Sure, I'm half joking but at the same time... if it pushes you on... why not?
For me it's easy. There are other people in this world whose happiness means something to me. My challenge is to make them happy while doing my best not to by a hypocrite. Or douchebag.
I like you, Heather. I miss you on Youtube. Your videos give me some happiness.
And I'm out.

Anonymous said...

Part of the .1%, just saying hi..

Michael said...

Hi.

I don't know if anything I say matters at all to you. All I know is I miss you. I miss you on Youtube (although many of your old videos are still there if I look for them), and I miss the things you used to write on here.
I know I'm just some goofy fan who never even came close to knowing the real Heather. But I hope that shouldn't matter.
I still don't really understand why you had to quit everything, and I probably never will, even if you try to explain it again. But I know that whatever your reasons are, they matter greatly to you.

I really don't have anything to say... Just that I really do miss you.

Anonymous said...

All the best with another new phase in your life. And tx for the vids. - Jeroen

Matrix said...

I give a fuck about who you are, what you stand for, what you want, do, think, or even what the fuck you're actually talking about...

but thats just me. Miss you mucho chica

Patrick said...

I will probably never hear your voice, run into you on the street or sit next to you on the bus. I still love the way you write and I always leave your blog feeling inspired. I still, even despite the odds, find myself wishing we might run into each other in some casual setting but, because I will probably never really know you, I'm glad you're back.

Caterpillar said...

You're right about percentage... But for me you always were and will be inspiration...

Sincerely, your loyal subscribber

revolutionizeurface1 said...

Alot of us commenters on these blogs probably count as those 99.9 percent. We're just stalkers that are trying to care by jabbering about random crap that looks intelligent because we just want to get inside your pants. It makes me wonder what are you looking for? A true internet friend that has 0 lust for you that also cares about what you stand for? I believe %.1 of like 2000 subscribers is like 20?

by shuveling through crap I'm guessing you're reading lots of comments on your youtube looking for people that seem like they care about what you're talking about.

If misspacman08 died then why not make a new youtube channel? It would reduce a lot of the crap that's corroding your current youtube channel, and new people might show up that actually care's about what you're talking about.

If you happen to do think about making a new channel, it would be nice to include it on these blogs.

Just think, some people on youtube like random 12 year old girls that make videos have it worse than you, they have millions of views of 35 year old men to 65 year old men and thousands of comments of those old men talking about raping those little girls. There will always be these kind of people on the internet. You might of gave yourself a bad look in the beginning of your channel, but it seams like you've changed.

Anonymous said...

Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!

Anonymous said...

Great talkers are great liars.

LupineLooPine said...

Well... personally the blog is better in every respect, with respect to you wanting to be heard and all that. That being said, videos provide a different form of expression, and for some matters... it may be the best format. In other words, it all depends on what you want to say... so you probably shouldn't shut that door completely. YTs relevance however....is another matter :/

P.S 1: The plus side to not having visited your blog for so long is that there's plenty of stuff to read when I'm bored of doing physics.

P.S 2: You'll always receive dog shit, but if there is a dog that chronically takes a shit on your videos... or if there is a "shit storm" of sorts, you can always call on me. I told Krumby this as well. I absolutely, positively love troll bashing, and drool at those moments when morons with consummate retardation decide to express themselves in large numbers. It's an endless flow of raw material to form more creative and harsher insults. So please... I beg of you... let me know of the shit storm situation. I will be on YT in a flash!

if you happen to be a billionaire...