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Monday, May 23, 2011

What is left…?

…after you find out you are meaningless to him from a distance, and the touch that could solve everything, is impossible.

My heart beats outside my body, and I can see the faded fabric of my shirt pulse forward around my chest, quickening with every shudder of breath. Crying seems useless, but then, so does everything… so I cry anyways. I know I broke him, I know he needs his own coping mechanisms and I know I can’t be a part of them anymore… but I can’t help asking him to notice… I broke me too.

I should be supportive. I should say I understand, even if I don’t and learn how to shrug it off. I should retreat to my own intangible solutions of distraction, or imagination. I should hit the temporary disconnect switch, and let him come to me on his own terms.

But he never will. We both know this.

So … I cling, desperately. I am selfish, childish even… and almost always over-react, but at least… it’s real. This constant, and paralyzing fear that his paper-thin responses and complete emotional monotony… could end up being inked in permanence forever. And the reminder on my wrist… will be known only as… the missing piece. The one I took from him, and set on fire, scattering the remains. Now the entire puzzle has been tossed in an unremarkable alley trash can somewhere, disregarded and ignored. I would search forever for those lost ashes, trying, and failing to rebuild the picture we were already making… but at some point, do I just surrender to the impending truth that… it’s never going to be whole again? If you keep reaching out to someone who never reaches back, eventually the habit dies.

I don’t know how to not want him, or not need him, no matter how much he needs me not to.


achigurh said...

...I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me
...Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't

---Mike Reid and Allen Shamblin

rivercat said...

this Dying fire

letters dying in a fire
gliding everywhere through my
smoky mind I let this last wasted
affection fly
still lifted by your spirited sighs, your soulful
graceful language
I ask what might have been
had I been more attractive
my hope for happiness with you
now withers
my naivete and blown kisses
stolen not by the wind
but by inadequecy
Perhaps you'll never know how
much you can illuminate and liberate
I recall fondly the one time you were calmly
amused but alas I've failed miserably
I flew into a hard sky and bumped
my head but that I did try did follow my
dream to drape my wings over you
to protect you , love you as best I could
but the dream dies here with
this dying fire
A once burning love now
extinquished, but still in the ash
remains a great affection, fondness
and respect
And I will always love you so
for reminding me what love is
and for giving me guidance
and helping me to grow

Steve said...

What's left?
To sail on, through the tempest,
to a far harbor unseen and unknown.
Or sink.

Who am I, You Tell Me... said...

A Pill, you to, everyone is a pill,
each with its own formula and composition.
A stache of pills Blue, Red, Multicolor, but are you that one that can make see, think, feel, travel, simply looking at it. Then, if feeling so much only just observing and if I eat it...???!!!

#thegamecontinues if...

LupineLooPine said...

I may be wrong about many things.... but the one thing I am sure of is this: If you want to get something out of life of some value, not a label or an honour or some shit,... but a person, a skill, a redefinition of yourself,etc., ... then there is a way to get it, the only thing is that it requires more often than not is one BIG choice, one big decision to make on one's part. It may seem totally ridiculous and you may lose a lot, but if you do it, you'll get what you want. This of course is subject to what you know about the matter. For instance, with your matter, you may think a certain action is enough for this person, but it will turn out less or more was required, depending on your over or under estimation of the person. But should you give this person a chance and try, really make that sacrifice with yourself in making that choice, I'm pretty sure you'll get what you want. The only real question is do you really need "it"?

I'm pretty sure you're just letting your feelings be and aren't really seeking out a solution to anything, in which case all of what I've said is more pointless than on its own merit. But just in case you didn't and wish for something ... there is a way to get it.

Take care Pacs.

if you happen to be a billionaire...