Most of my thoughts and consequently, my words... are metaphors. It’s a language of pictures, an old tune on a jukebox, the smell of a rainstorm, the taste of a memory,  the touch of your favourite lover. 

Starving.

A desolate angel quivers beside me, starving. Swallowed whole by her desire to see the truth. Addicted to the possibility of tangible love, but fated instead to suffer through an ethereal sense of enchantment. The world’s tyranny eats her dreams. Corruption of thought pollutes her compassion. Empathy bleeds through her, unsaid... and unnoticed. The advantages of apathy are overwhelming, and for her... impossible.

Wrapped in masks and shadows, I can’t see her face... but I can feel her scars. Ghosts of her past are here too, breathing new nightmares... chasing her tears further into oblivion. She can’t hide forever, but she wants to. Building self impressions can take years, but devouring them... only seconds.

 Broken mirrors reflect a broken soul, aching to be put back together. But where are all the pieces? How would she know if they fit? What if the final impression... wasn’t enough to satisfy her insatiable appetite for sincerity? Who was she? Under all the pre-text, all the disillusions and fantasies... was her reality malleable, and left to interpretation? Or does reality belong to everyone?

 What if everything tastes the same as nothing?

One day...

I have quite obviously revealed the existence of this blog to a few too many people, corrupting not only it's innocence but also it's ability to be a sufficiently anonymous outlet to say whatever the fuck I want. Moral censorship is almost inherent once you are aware of certain individuals who may (or may not) be able to read what you are writing.

 Sincerity is a dirty bitch to find, and the internet makes it near impossible. As Oscar Wilde says "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." This used to be my mask. and you, my audience. It has been fading away for a while now, even before the latest blasts.

 I write drafts I never post, save word documents of gibberish on my computer in places I'll never look again, and keep most of my words written in memories, or messages to the people I love.

 Perhaps for now, I will continue mostly in the shadows.

Time will catch up with me one day and with my inability to ignore the prying eyes glaring through these words. One day, I'll realize no one cares as much as I think they do. One day, I'll write about anything and anyone I want.

 One day, I'll have nothing to hide from.

I can forget the intangible and chase after sober dreams sometimes... but even those mere fragments of reality can always be somehow spun back into illusive fairytales.

So, here's what happened.

Inspired by hate, and total misrepresentation by an anonymous someone who obviously knows me in real life... I am here to tell the story of my last relationship. The true story, with names changed to protect the innocent. 

I first met Mr. X at a party one summer night a few years ago, outside in a field behind an old school. There was a fire, and bright little blue ecstasy pills were making their way around, as they tended to do a lot those days. I took one, as did my friends, as did Mr. X. We talked, about WAY too much. I knew his secrets, and I knew who he was. I also knew he was in a relationship, and had two kids and a fiancée waiting for him at home... a non-disputed fact which I tried not to judge him for as he worked his ass off and still found time to party with us. We shared a tent a few times, with a few other people, and absolutely nothing sexual of any nature happened between us.  I slept next to my sister and rolled my eyes at her choice of men, ranted about the universe because I was high, and slept the entire next day away. He was always gone by the time I woke up, and I only saw him a handful of times, barely gave him a second thought if I'm being honest.

Not long after, I was visited by a man we will call Mr.Ice ... and I fell madly in love. For just over thirty days my world was subject to nothing but the intensity of those moments and of my devotion to make a life with him, by whatever means necessary. I manifested my own twisted desires into actions which at the time, seemed perfectly rational. Duplicitous intentions are always discovered eventually... and so, it was over just as quickly as it started.

I tore myself apart as a person, scrutinizing every manipulative nuance of character, every self-deceptive quality... all the while, proving I learned nothing in the process by quickly dating a local. A simple, steady, trustworthy guy (also conveniently named Mr. Ice) who I didn't feel inferior to. Didn't feel the need to lie to. I was enough for him. We dated for a few months and eventually called it quits. He moved out west.

A few months later at the end of last summer, Mr X appeared around town again, staying nearby. He had just returned from visiting his relatives, and seemed... different. Happier. He came over a few times and smoked some joints, had a beer or two... again, completely platonic and innocent, always with numerous other people around. Then he told me it was over between him and his fiancée, and he had moved out.

I didn't believe him. 

It's common practice around these small town parts for couples to break up and get back together numerous times over the course of a week, or a few months. Usually for the summer so they can sleep around and then go back to their distrustful relationship for stability in the winter.

I was not about to invest any time, emotion or energy into someone who wasn't going to stick around, and so I didn't.

We started dating only after he got his own place (in the same building as I was) and truly cut off all romantic ties with his ex,. Around the exact time she also got with someone else.

Mr. X and I dated for almost a year, and then ended our relationship a few weeks ago. A decision I made and he respected. We were fighting way too often, and instead of facing our issues, we tiptoed around them, scared to offend or hurt each other.

I have already heard rumours that he cheated on me while we were together, which I don't believe, and rumours that he is getting back with Mrs. X, which wouldn't surprise me, and ultimately, doesn't concern me. He is a free man, to do what he wants, and who he wants.

So yes, I dated a man who was previously in a serious relationship for a very long time, and who had kids with another woman... but what most fail to notice, is how shitty that relationship was before anyone involved even knew I existed. I believe social law (as well as common sense) protects me from the "homewrecker" argument here.

So, dear hater, regardless of what your petty, judgemental and moronic instincts are telling you I "should" feel, I do not regret dating Mr. X, and never will.

In fact, if you want to persecute me for anything and really strike a nerve, just research and find out more about Mr. Ice (the first). There's enough shame there to bury me if you wanted to.

Good luck.

Heartless bitch,
Heather-Maria

MESSAGE TO A HATER

Just a hint to whoever left the most recent (and childishly hateful) comments here on my blog.

They would have been SO much more effective if absolutely any of your accusations had been true, or at least…  half-true.  Hell, I'd have settled for one that just MIGHT be true, or even none at all.

Go ahead and call me a dirty whore if you like, for no reason at all except that you don't like me (trust me when I say your name calling doesn't even register on my give-a-fuck scale)... but it serves NO purpose, except my amusement, to call me a dirty whore because of a fictitious situation you have decided happened a certain way. Only proves your ignorance, and complete lack of validation to even speak on the subject.

One of my worst qualities is my tendency to give way too much credit to the morons of the world. Oh I'm sorry, was that too pretentious? Oh wait… you probably don't know what that means do you?

Let me spell it out in terms you might understand. 

u need 2 get ur head out of ur ass & listen 2 more bitches like me when i say... dont b afraid 2 grow up. 

Anonymous hate is the dirtiest bitch I can imagine.

I LOVE Our worlds obsession with catasrophes, at least when it comes to the idea of a zombie apocolypse, or invasion of aliens (those subjects are a creative gold mine for entertainment). But this "global warming" ALARMISM, which always seems to crawl it's way back out of the misinformed minds of the general public, needs to finally flutter and die off with the rest of the political fear-mongering conspiracies.  

So, let me sum this up.  

1) Yes, Earth is warming up, as a natural cycle of our planet, and you better hope to hell it doesn't stop anytime soon. Not if, but WHEN it does (and starts to cool instead) you can be guarunteed another Ice Age is heading our way.  

2) Yes, the “greenhouse effect” is also real, but it is NOT a man made phenomenon created by our C02 emissions (which make up less than 1/10th of 1% of our atmosphere). This affect is also a naturally occuring event, caused by water vapour, and used to regulate temperature between night and day. Without this "deadly" practice, the average temperature of our lovely, warm 15°C planet... would instead be a bitter, and cold -18°C. 

So... as I said years ago, dont fear death by global warming, or the equally ridiculous 2012 mayan catastophe. After all, it's WAY more likely to be zombies or aliens, and it's also just WAY more interesting.

ps. For the Americans, thats an average world temp drop from 59 ºF to 0 ºF .