I used to glance in the mirror every so often… and feel no desire to lie about who I saw reflected back… but other times, I would look in the mirror and not see anyone at all, just masks. Thrown on in layers so thick I’d forgotten there used to be someone underneath.
In my offline absence, those masks were recognized… and eventually exposed to the people I love the most. No… it was more than exposed. They were ripped off, and shoved back in front of my face so I could admit they were lies. I refused to… and in doing so, effectively destroyed whatever semblance of self, or trust that remained. I caged myself into a corner where there was literally no-one left to give a shit. From whore to psychopath and right back again. Me… as “the messed up girl who is fucked of mind, and who occasionally writes about the person she wishes she could be.”
Out of the wreckage, I’m still letting myself believe a few pieces were salvaged. And maybe that’s all another part of the delusion, waiting to be shattered again one day, but for now, I’ll keep looking in the mirror and know that… I’ll never be as beautiful, or intelligent or creative as I pretended to be with the masks on… but maybe whatever’s left without them… is enough.
4 comments:
That sounded pretty intelligent to me. I don't think people are much more creative than others by some gift of nature as much as just finding and being open to creative wormholes or self discovered ways of shortcutting the work involved...just sitting around with a blank page or canvas and wondering why nothing happens is realy hard.
I think being a little crazy helps and realizing that it can be more rewarding to an artist (imho)to be a scavenger nibbling on a little of everything than trying to figure things out and risk getting caught in a black hole.oh and yes, I think its safe to say objectively in the broad sense that you are beautiful
but thats just aesthetics(sp) and genes and whether you want to use that asset for personal gain. To sum up my lame post, to some degree I think being true to oneself, and taking of all the masks leaves us still wearing one- perhaps one that can never be shed. For me it's good enough to realize im always wearing the mask of being a human being which is completely f'd up imho,but also humorous and once in a while
frightening. But I try to understand those times more and more as they come up less frequently.
i realy thought that was a great post you wrote and I'm sure a lot wiser than my comment...but sometimes I just like to blab, I hope you dont mind too much when I do :)
Do a video on masks.
Masks alter perception of soul as a prism bends light.
"Ah, Love! could you and I with Him conspire
To grasp this sorry Scheme of Things entire,
Would not we shatter it to bits--and then
Re-mould it nearer to the Heart's Desire!"
- Rubaiyat
You're more beautiful without the mask, Heather :) (no homo)
-RG
the masks come from the television, you know that right?
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